Love & Money
How many of us have felt that we’re only earning our money—really working—if we’re suffering? Even if you’ve never felt that way personally, how many of us think that’s what America wants us to believe? That if we’re not suffering, our work is not valuable, won’t be paid for, and we’re f*qed.
We all know it, I’ve written about it many times before—but can it ever be denied that slavery, theft, rape, misogyny and classism are the tools of capitalism? And they’ve been carefully, systematically shaped to tell us that what we have to offer is only as valuable as that system says they are? And that suffering is inherently part of the only work capitalism will pay for, and therefore—that is valuable? And therefore—shapes our behavior to accept our suffering for a few folks to get rich.
A lot of us have seen the White Supremacist Ideology in the Workplace cheat sheet. And for those who are marginalized, or studied any marginalized people’s history, this is 101, but it was only when I wrote about an economy and workplace culture, etc. based on the principals of nature—the natural world—that a friend pointed me to Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown. I’m only 60-some pages in, but I’m (sadly) almost done with Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Braiding Sweetgrass, so let’s press the extra virgin oil from their incredible olives. Because the solution is often closest to the problem and the Creative Force focuses on what we want to create.
The realization that I believed if I’m not suffering then I’m not working that lead me to fear that if I try to do what I really want to do for money I won’t be able to support myself and my son came after a similar realization. That, at some level, I had been taught that I had to earn love. That I needed to work for it. That if I didn’t actively demonstrate for men why I was valuable—they wouldn’t see it on their own. I had to advocate for my worthiness. I wasn’t raised with the secure underlying belief that I was inherently worthy—for myself and myself alone. Who I am, vs. what I give.
How we’re treated shapes who we believe we are. How others behave with us is a mirror, whether it reflects the truth, or not. A reflection that devalues our visage has power, and erodes our senses of self. Likewise, if love is not freely given then we don’t believe love is a gift, and therefore we’re not entirely sure we deserve to receive love freely—as a gift. And in fact, that when we receive what appears to be love because of our work, it is not love at all; it’s more often a reward for certain behavior so that behavior will continue. It’s behavior modification. And sometimes, emotional manipulation.
But maybe my self-worth/value fears aren’t entirely attributable to my family. Maybe it was also the world. I went to arts schools from 6th to 12th, then I went to college basically for poetry. I took writing classes, minored in African American Studies and Spanish, and completed the round with African and Caribbean histories, Native studies, etc. My entire education is comprised of stories and works America perennially devalues—even tries to wipe out, explicitly and implicitly. I am living a life that inherently values everything capitalism and America want to annihilate to maintain and consolidate power. No wonder I believed I had to advocate for, defend and triple-prove my value, my worthiness. Because the things I love and want to work for and support are the very things the dominant system refuses.
And if the “dominant world” doesn’t value what I value, can the world value me? No wonder I too often feel like I’m working overtime to find my place. A place where I will be seen and valued—with love and money.
Joy, also, has little value in this market economy. Yet joy and intuitive flow (being “in the zone”) are the body, mind and spirit’s rewards for doing what we are made to do—the way we know this is what we are here to do and give and be. When we feel both grounded and elated we know we are living our creative force. We may work, we may strive, yes. But suffer? No. We do not suffer when we are living our gifts. Writing is hard, it challenges me, it makes me work toward a better version of myself and my creations. But do I suffer? No. I grow. And with that I have moments of pure flow, pure joy. In many ways I write to feel that. Writing rewards me for doing what I am made to do. It keeps me writing.
Love, joy, “the zone,” flow, all of these reward us and keep us doing that thing because we are made to do it. Suffering, in general, motivates us not to stay with a behavior, but to find an alternative. Unfortunately, we too often get paid for suffering, so we keep at it. Behavior modification. We do what we are rewarded for. And when we are getting paid to do something we’re not made to do, cognitive dissonance results. A psychological pain caused by working against the self to accomplish a task.
When I’m doing things I’m not made to do I experience panic attacks, cognitive dissonance, stress, guilt, anger and resentment. The pain of a fish asked to climb a tree: not only failing at what it was NOT made to do, but prevented from living the life it was MADE to live. When we feel joy and flow, Nature is rewarding us for doing what we are made to do—to keep us doing it! Because by doing it, we are giving what we are meant to give in this life. We are fulfilling our purpose, and Nature encourages each piece of the necessary whole to give the gifts only they can give. Our survival depends on it. My job is to be strong enough for it.
If I’m out of alignment with myself, I will remain out of alignment with nature. My intuition is part of how Nature speaks through me to me. And Nature knows best. Apple trees bear apples, fish swim, and I shape words. I must believe that in the small choices I make to live in alignment with my own nature, I am living in alignment with Nature, and will therefore make or find my place in the world. The places where my gifts are valued.
Like adrienne maree brown, I have been in the slow, grueling process of undoing what the world may have me believe so I can build a life that isn’t chock full of cognitive dissonance: selling my soul. But to really move ahead of the subconscious myths that keep us doing what’s wrong for us, we need to be VERY clear what they are. That a man loves (marries!) a woman for her work—for bearing children, taking care of him, ignoring her own purpose so he can live his; that only by ignoring my innermost truths and callings—accepting the suffering of work and the workplace—will I be able to support myself and my son; that unless I’m suffering, I won’t be able to earn enough to survive.
I’m replacing the myths that allow greed and slavery to shape the world with the groundedness of Nature. That Nature knows better. My nature knows what is right for me. My body, mind and spirit experience joy when I live my creative force because that is what I am made to do. Nature rewards me with joy and flow when I write because it’s my Nature to write.
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